well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
