I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
