Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
