I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
