Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
