Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
