i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
