He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
