If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
