I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
