my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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