He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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