You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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