I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
