i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
