Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
