from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
