Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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