I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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