i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Four minutes until I can fart!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
