So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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