God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
