It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
