I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
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I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
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There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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