see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
