Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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