this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
