omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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