24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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