take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
