Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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