i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
