xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
