so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
