Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
