Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
