Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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