I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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