I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
