I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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