genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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