it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
