Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
