Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
