I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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