Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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