All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
