If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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