the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
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I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
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I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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