just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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