how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
