Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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