Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
