seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
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My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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