While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.