There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.