i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
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Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
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So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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