I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
