Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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