Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
