i love accidental penises.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
