Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
