Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
