Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
