I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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